Simple stats capture ouput needed

I am looking to create a simple statistics script/logging tool Scope: - Creation of a html page which shows a dynamic number to the user (so each time the page is visited a different number is shown) - Number relates to the individual visitor of the page (1 per user/cookies dependent) - The page will record machine statistics and save the data within 30 seconds to a simple single .xls file using the page number generated as the table row name. (saved directly to server [login to view URL] coded) - Statistics to record: Browser type(s) installed Browser version(s) Browser size Browser open size Screen Resolution Screen Colors (BIT) Operating System Operating system type RAM Memory Computer Processor Computer Device (Tablet/Mobile/PC) Video Device/Audio Device CPU (after 30 seconds) Internet connection (provider) Connection type (DSL, Cable, Mobile Wireless, TX, Modem, Fixed Wireless, Fiver Optics, Satellite, Frame Relay, ISDN) Connection speed (after 30 seconds average - download/upload) Referrer site (source) Keywords (SEO) Country City Continent Timezone IP PDF version installed Flash version installed Java version installed QuickTime version installed Real player version installed Windows media version installed Silverlight version insatlled Director/shockwave version installed Gears installed Cookie installed Number of browsers open Other products installed Other products open This is a small part to a larger project, and is expected to be completed within 1 week of acceptance. (appox $30 please) Please only serious bidders. The page created should also be applicable for mobile/other device access/use.